Can You Hold These 12 Guns? Don’t Shoot Any Palestinians. Wink. Wink.

Scene 1: A Padded Cell

Congress: B. B. Bee. Bee. Bibi, Bibi, Bibi, are you there? Yes, just hold this rocket launcher, and this one, and this one, and, I’m just going to hang these grenades from each of your fingers, and, no don’t bend over, here, I’ll just put this strap over your shoulders, and can this gun fit in your back pocket, how about a few knives to strap on your legs, here, ooh, yes, here, have a seat in this F-16, THERE you go, and don’t go murdering any children — I say that unequivocally — pppppppwaaahhhahahahahahahahahahahah, no, I mean it, I think more bullets, let me balance these on your head, say, do you have a wheelbarrow I can share a little napalm in, good man, could you use a cup of white phosphorus for the road, oh, oh, I was just thinking, Beeeebeee,

Bibi: You know I’m a figment of your addled brain, right? So I can tell you this in pretty safe confidence? Over here we only spend $20 billion a year on a military, not like the trillion or so you guys do, and $4 billion of that you give us for free every year from your generous tax payers, and then you sell us most of the weapons that we spend that $20 billion on, and you take care of those weapons, and you develop weapons with us, and you stockpile your own weapons here and then slip them to us as needed, and you do war rehearsal “exercises” with us, and you feed us your “intelligence,” and you promote our bullshit worldwide, and 45 times you veto holding us to the rule of law at the UN, and you ship us more weapons right in the middle of us blowing up apartments and schools and hospitals and streets and doctors and mothers and babies, and so what I’d like to hear from you now, stand up straight, what I’d like to hear from you now is your very best humanitarian humbug. Go!

Congress: It’s simply wrong. It’s un-American. It’s just not who we are. That’s why I will be asking President Biden about the possibility of encouraging Hamas and Israel to call a halt to the vicious cycle of tiffs, spats, and acrimony. And I will be supporting legislation to require that if the government of Israel wants to imprison and torture children it not do so using U.S. dollars, but rather use somebody else’s dollars for that, and use the U.S. dollars for general Apartheid maintenance, because frankly I’ve heard enough inexcusable challenging of Israel’s right to exist and defend . . .

Bibi: Oh fuck! Stop! Oh Jesus! I mean Moses! I mean, oh fuck, you’ve got it. The right to exist is the key. That’s it. I don’t feel like I exist unless I’m blowing up buildings. And you don’t feel like you exist unless you’re talking to a padded wall. To each his own in a free society!

Congress: You know, 8 of us have declared that Palestinians have human rights. At this rate, your great grandson might have to find a new sugar-daddy for your great-great grandson. Hey, how many, I mean how many kids and grandkids have you got, because I was thinking, wouldn’t they each like a dozen Apache helicopters or something just to show our appreciation? Know what we did to the Apaches dontcha? The Two State Solution.

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