David Petraeus Announces for President After All (or Chairman of Joint Chiefs Would Be OK for the Moment)

http://asskissinglittlechickenshit.com

My name is General David Petraeus and I want to be your Commander in Chief because I admire everything about you, especially that amazing and unique way you have about you.

Here's a little background on who I am, just a few highlights that I know you will be able to appreciate.

In 2007, Gareth Porter reported:

"In sharp contrast to the lionisation of Gen. David Petraeus by members of the U.S. Congress during his testimony this week, Petraeus's superior, Admiral William Fallon, chief of the Central Command (CENTCOM), derided Petraeus as a sycophant during their first meeting in Baghdad last March, according to Pentagon sources familiar with reports of the meeting.

"Fallon told Petraeus that he considered him to be 'an ass-kissing little chickenshit' and added, 'I hate people like that', the sources say. That remark reportedly came after Petraeus began the meeting by making remarks that Fallon interpreted as trying to ingratiate himself with a superior."

Fallon's problem was actually that he didn't want to escalate the war in Iraq, and I did.  He lost, and I won.  Well, the people who died lost too, but you know what I mean.  We put more blood on the ground in Iraq, and through a combination of utter devastation, displacement, segregation, bribery, corruption, withdrawal, and promises to leave, we were able to pretend that wars of occupation are ended by escalating them.  This is paying off BIG TIME right now in Afghanistan.

We all know Afghanistan can't be won except by withdrawal, but we're going to escalate.  The counterinsurgency manual that I pretend I wrote says we need to put 80% of our effort into civilian solutions.  We're going with 3% instead, as a compromise with real world conditions on the ground, such as the fact that they're all a bunch of Muslim Arabs or some such thing!

And, because you idiots think we have a peace prize winner in charge now, I'm expanding our efforts with death squads into a number of neighboring nations, including Iran, which is going to be the real big one, I mean really really, I mean my mouth starts watering at the thought of how much blood is going to flow, I can just feel the taste of it bubbling down my throat, I . . .  I . . .ahem,  I mean to say, the New York Times has given credit where it's due:

"The secret directive, signed in September by Gen. David H. Petraeus, authorizes the sending of American Special Operations troops to both friendly and hostile nations in the Middle East, Central Asia and the Horn of Africa to gather intelligence and build ties with local forces. Officials said the order also permits reconnaissance that could pave the way for possible military strikes in Iran if tensions over its nuclear ambitions escalate. While the Bush administration had approved some clandestine military activities far from designated war zones, the new order is intended to make such efforts more systematic and long term, officials said."

Damn straight.  And it's got the hippies running scared.  Here's Robert Dreyfuss in the Nation:

"If President Obama knew about this, authorized it, and still supports it, then Obama has crossed a red line, and the president will stand revealed as an aggressive, militaristic liberal interventionist who bears a closer resemblance to the president he succeeded than to the ephemeral reformer that he pretended to be in 2008, when he ran for office. If he didn’t know, if he didn’t understand the order, and if he’s unwilling to cancel it now that it’s been publicized, then Obama is a feckless incompetent. Take your pick.   If Congress has any guts at all, it will convene immediate investigative hearings into a power grab by Petraeus, a politically ambitious general, and the Pentagon’s arrogant Special Operations team, led by Admiral Eric T. Olson, who collaborated with Petraeus. And Congress needs to ask the White House: what did you know, and when did you know it?"

My favorite bit is "If Congress has any guts."  Let me let you in on a little secret.  I've been to testify in Congress, and those clowns mostly beat up on each other and kissed my ass.  I testified there in September, 2007, for example, and toward the end of the hearing Rep. Brad Sherman asked me what I would do if Congress ended funding for the occupation of Iraq and Bush ordered me to continue with it anyway.  I told that chump I would have to ask my lawyer, and he let it go.  Ha!  And people think there's a legislative branch of government running things.  Come on!  I tell them what to think before the hearings!

I even tell them things they will never remember when I tell them the opposite and show them how the new story will protect them from the heathen hordes.  Like when I told them I would never run for office.  James Madison said, "If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy."  It's here, children, and you are going to love it!